Time: Sat Mar 15 12:58:14 1997 by primenet.com (8.8.5/8.8.5) with SMTP id KAA06161; Sat, 15 Mar 1997 10:52:42 -0700 (MST) Date: Sat, 15 Mar 1997 12:56:28 -0800 To: (Recipient list suppressed) From: Paul Andrew Mitchell [address in tool bar] Subject: SLS: IRS letter :-) (fwd) <snip> >Subject: I'm Stuck with the Kids -- A Frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS > >[Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no >polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. This is one of >those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's >weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe >the letter speaks for itself.] > >Dear Sirs: > >I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three >dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have >questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil >and expensive. > >It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that >the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) >knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may >apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. > >This year they are yours! > >The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put >her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about >their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper >her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; >Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now >be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in >mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the >immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix >the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a >boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, >her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the >virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. >This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling >this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who >had a rather good handle on the problem. > >Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little >close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day >if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in >the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his >friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to >the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on >a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big >deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting >out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of >filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his >friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will >be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them >unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, >or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of >unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!) > >Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by >magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came >from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, >and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my >taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On >Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it >yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's >quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they >have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak >English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she >fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political >doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has >her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. >She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced >four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I >am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as >she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move >the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. > >You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick >which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go >bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two >oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a >teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting >Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon >as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover >the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane. > >Yours Truly, >Bob > > >Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date: > "Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions." > >Our response: "Gee Bob, sometimes you just can't get a break." > > >======================================================================== >To subscribe: send a message to the fwolist@hollyent.com >with the word SUBSCRIBE in the subject/topic field. Use UNSUBSCRIBE to >remove yourself from the list. Questions/comments/problems? > email: Not Moderated@hollyent.com or listmgmt@hollyent.com >For information about this system and its lists email: info@hollyent.com > Help to save your liberties! mailto:info@hollyent.com SUBJECT: bernie >======================================================================== >via: Sportsman's Paradise~~Online 602-922-1639 - www.hollyent.com > > > > ======================================================================== Paul Andrew, Mitchell, B.A., M.S. : Counselor at Law, federal witness email: [address in tool bar] : Eudora Pro 3.0.1 on Intel 586 CPU web site: http://www.supremelaw.com : library & law school registration ship to: c/o 2509 N. Campbell, #1776 : this is free speech, at its best Tucson, Arizona state : state zone, not the federal zone Postal Zone 85719/tdc : USPS delays first class w/o this ========================================================================
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