Time: Sat Nov 02 20:12:28 1996
To: marmstrong <marmstrong@snowcrest.net>
From: Paul Andrew Mitchell [address in tool bar]
Subject: Re: around today?
Cc: 
Bcc: 

At 05:46 PM 11/2/96 -0800, you wrote:
>
>>>>In the meantime, please don't be hard
>>>>on yourself.  I picked up just a little
>>>>bit of self-depreciation.  Am I right?
>>>
>>>It is my way of pre-apologizing for 
>>>unintented relationship faux pas.

This is an oxymoron, yes?
"Pre-apologizing" is like
saying, "You're not going
to like this," and then I
can say, "How would you know?"
That's all the fun of a new
relationship, don't you think?
Being spontaneous and knowing
the other can join in the
spontaneity.


>>
>>I did not feel that way at all.
>>That is why I said what I did;
>>you are doing this to yourself.
>>
>Yes. That is entirely correct.

Now you have grown out of that
faux pas already.  I have decreed
it so.

 
>
>Here's an analogy: I have a program
>called Tuneland with Howie Mandel
>that came with my computer. It is a 
>children's program with cartoon animals
>and silly songs in Howie's voice. I find 
>it to be very obnoxious and irritating. 
>
>When I did a clean up of my memory, I tried
>to remove old "Tuneland." Apparently it has
>hidden memory files and some of them are 
>necessary for the proper function of other
>windows programs. I erased what I could, but
>when I start up windows I get an error message
>on FMedia (probably has something to do with 
>MPEG.) I don't know how to fix it so I just 
>hit ok in acknowledgement and go on. 
>
>Once in a while I will hit the wrong button and 
>Tuneland will start up and then freeze. There is
>no way to get out of it except to shut down and 
>restart. I don't want to go to Tuneland. I just
>have to remember not to hit the wrong button.  
>
>I haven't discovered any other programs that are
>affected by my alterations to Tuneland, but it 
>will probably pop up unexpectedly or cause a 
>malfunction when I run a program that I rarely 
>use. 

Were you referring to the notion
of "tapes," in which a behavior
pattern becomes ingrained, and
runs itself whenever it is energized
by some external event?  You know,
our biological make-up is governed
by these long pre-coded sequences,
so you should not feel that this is
something unusual or aberrant.  Take
a close at DNA, and you will see
exactly what I mean.  The function
of reverse transcriptase is to 
initiate a long replication sequence,
down at the building-block level of
life.  These are processes which 
work their way into our conscious
existence, eventually.  Understanding
this process is a way of reaching
for the Most High, who set an immensely
vast pre-coded sequence into motion,
complete with freedom is an essential
biological trait.  I also detected 
the notion of "hang-up" or "sensitive
button" in the analogy, as if there
are nagging bugs in your personality
which just won't seem to go away,
no matter how hard you try.  Isn't
everybody that way, or do you feel
there are some special examples in
your own personality?  

>  
>I have often been criticized
>>of "rushing" things in relationships.
>>Maybe a better model is organic
>>biology, in which flowers bloom
>>in their own good time.  Do you 
>>like flowers?  I love daffodils
>>and plumeria, in any order. 
>>
>Not at all. I was speeding along right 
>there with you. Thought I was, perhaps, 
>rushing too fast because I was enjoing it
>so much.

I too sense that you are enjoy it,
and this brings joy to me also.
You would not believe how dark
the rest of my Internet world is
at the present time.  Like it or not,
I am now tangling with the outer
"fringe" layer of the Centers for
Disease Control, which has now been
directly implicated in the Gulf War
Illnesses, now proven to be contagious.
After a logical build-up, I found it
necessary to inundate their Local Area
Network (LAN) with 350 copies of the
White House Constitution.  That got
their attention.  But, now I am being
watched even more closely.  My Atlanta
contact got hit directly:  virus wiped
her hard disk.  That was after "they"
were blocking my email to this contact.
Setting aside the emotional factor, 
I am learning to interpret these 
events as feedback from the Holy Spirit
that the work is now reaching critical
mass.  The giant must growl;  otherwise,
you are just pinching his horns.

 
>
>(I know what you meant last night
>about needing a nap. I once had a 
>group of kittens that needed to find
>homes. They were barricaded in the 
>kitchen with a board. They would meow
>and try to climb the barrier all night 
>until they would literally fall over in 
>a dead sleep. I tend to get that way 
>when I'm excited.)

You are a kitten, then.
I thought so.  That means
that you can purr.  

>
>>>Maybe I need a code word like "bookmark" 
>>>- meaning, taking care of business will 
>>>get back to you.
>>
>>check.
>>
>> "Reality check" - 
>>>meaning, hold on there you're going too
>>>fast and we need to straighten out 
>>>a miscommunication or assumption.
>>
>>We call it "pushing the stack"
>>in computer science; this means
>>that you hold the current routine,
>>and branch to a different routine,
>>and then return when you finish the
>>latest routine.  "Returning" is called
>>"popping the stack".  Imagine an
>>in-box placed on a scale, and each
>>new document pushes the lower ones
>>down by equal amounts, so the top
>>documents is always at the same
>>elevation.  
>>
>Sort of like "sidebar" in journalism 
>or "link" in html?

"link" is close, but you are under
no obligation to return from whence
you came.  With a "stack," you MUST
return from whence you came;  it's
the only way to go, since the 
processes awaiting execution are
there because they are unfinished.
This is a formal model for task 
scheduling.

 
>
>One structure I like is to strive
>>for 50/50 time:  you get 50% of the
>>clock time in a conversation, and I
>>get 50% of the clock time in a 
>>conversation.  The one whose time
>>it is, can yield to the other, but
>>only by choice.  Wanna play?
>>
>Yes. I think that is what I was originally
>trying to get at. I was having just too 
>good a time feeling the focus of attention
>and felt like a hog.

You don't sound like a hog,
and you don't look like a hog,
(I am relying here on your 
 own description of yourself),  :)
so, you cannot be a hog,
no way!!  If it walks like a duck,
and flies like a duck, and swims
like a duck, IT MUST BE A DUCK!
So, you walk like a princess,
swim like a dolphin, fly like
an eagle, and sing like a dove.


 
>>
>>I saw a fantasy picture of you in a
>>clothing advertisement in today's
>>local paper.  Would you mind if I
>>were to scan it and email it to you?
>>
>No, but how do I read it.

This is an example of sharing
hard-copy originals, which must
be scanned, either with a scanner,
or with a fax machine.  Do you
have Windows PAINTBRUSH?  Tom Clark
and I worked this out between us,
and he loved the generality I demonstrated.
Fax machines are ubiquitous, and they
make adequate scanners, particularly
for text on white backgrounds, 8.5 x 11.


 (Also, keep
>in mind that I never was the Prom 
>Quenn, cheeleader category. (To my 
>mother's vocalized disappointment -
>she once tried to call me Marcie, but
>it never fit.)

I don't get it.  
Who is Marcie, 
a TV character?

What is a Prom Queen,
or cheerleader category,
that you are not?
I never knew either.


 Also, remember that I am 
>46 (almost 47)

I remember.  I am 48+, 
do you also remember?
I can't understand 
where the years went.
Much of them were spent
suffering with loneliness,
depression, alcohol dependence,
and bitterness.  Things began
to change when I came to realize
the real power that was already
within me:  the Kingdom of Heaven
within us.  Now, I feel powerful
when I smile, and the other person
smiles back.  My aura has surely
changed, because I catch people
looking at me now, when they
never did before.  It is a 
paradigm shift, for sure.


 and, although I am amazingly
>virtually wrinkle-free, things have shifted
>some from my younger days. i.e. may I 
>suggest that you don't develop unrealistic   
>expectations.

I am 30 lbs. overweight,
so I should be hypocritical
to hold "anyone" to a standard
of perfection, even myself.
You are, no doubt, in better
shape than I, because I am
bound to service at my terminal
most of the day and into the
night.  When I get up in the
morning, I usually turn the
computer on before showering,
in case something big has 
happened.  


 That way you won't be 
>disappointed if we should ever manage to 
>meet. 

I wasn't thinking "if" but "when",
and I promise you I will not be
disappointed.  How can I forget
all the beautiful things you have
already written.

I hope you don't mind if I am
rather forward.  After this 
introduction, meeting is a must,
don't you agree?  We have a chance
here to become lifelong friends,
and that is a chance I will not
pass up, not for all the earthly
riches in the world.  By the way,
do you know an Alan & Rebecca Call
in Redding?  I got something from
them today, and wanted to know if
it was at your prompting. They are
nearby, relatively speaking.

>
>Bear in mind that the model is 
>>a bit younger than you, but I did 
>>feel your influence in my dreams last
>>night.  Did you send me any mental
>>pictures on purpose, or were these
>>pictures of my own making? 
>
>I worked the football snack shack and was 
>dead tired.

I'll bet.

 I tried to send a visual image
>of a glass snow scene ball

I didn't get that image.
I got a different one.
See below.


 and tried to 
>find my copy of the movie Robin Hood to 
>load some visual scenery pictures,

With Kevin Costner?  that Robin Hood?
(robbing hoodlum)

 but my 
>concentration was unfocussed. I went to bed
>and curled up snuggling a side pillow (as 
>I occassinally do for comforting.)

I do that too.  How amazing.

 I can't 
>remember my dreams of last night.

I forgot them the moment I woke up,
but then I asked for help remembering,
and the memory returned:  I was wearing
a ring upside down on the wrong hand.
A woman's voice explained the right way;
she reached over and helped adjust it;
and then everything was ok.  The dream
ended there.  It was very short, and
enigmatic at the time.  I think I 
understand it now.  I must rely upon
my friends to guide me to safety. 
It is not safe here.  This place is
very dark with sin and corruption.

The ring is a key, and it was on my
right hand as a sign that I am out
of place, and need to move it to the
other hand, to find my place.  My faith
is being tested big time right now;
I am terrified of relying on others,
and yet this time I must, because that
Other is the Most High, and He beckons
me to surrender.  It would be like leaping
off the Golden Gate Bridge, to a soft
landing in another dimension.  My intuition
tells me to disappear for a while, and do
something simple, to rediscover beauty,
warmth, friendship, laughter, and love.
Maybe take up piano, do typing during days,
go deep underground.  The noosphere is in
place to manage data flows;  the Holy Spirit
is in charge of orchestrating the electrons;
once I have done my part, I can enjoy the
reward I have prayed for.  Physical place
is not important for the work, only for the
company.  I am picturing a soft winter's
snow fall right now, with a warm fireplace,
hot apple cider, and lucious lipstick for
the asking.  As one friend put it today,
during the height of our mutual disclosures
about the contagion, everything is becoming
more and more transparent.  I want a partner
who can see the good that has been hidden
deep in my heart, and was beat down by 
a milieu that was unable to understand the
gifts I was born with  -- some have called
it genius, but it takes one to know one,
I know that much.  So, your image had a 
delayed effect, see!  and a good one at 
that.  I accept you, Holy Spirit, and
you have proven to me that you do answer
my prayers, but only in your time, not mine.
I surrender to your wishes, and know that
your design for me, and my family and
closest friends, is eternal happiness, 
and there is no reason why it cannot 
begin right here, during this life.
It is the infallible proof of Your 
presence in our lives, and we give You
honor and credit, where honor and credit
are surely due.  Thank you for Marcia;
you will reveal your plans for her, and
for me, in Your Own time, which will 
become Our own time, in time.


>
>This is
>>a reality check for me.  
>
>Also, I am
>>probing you about your taste in 
>>clothes.  
>
>My figure is long-wasited and I have been 
>well "endowed by my creater." I do best 
>in "tailored" clothes that move in rythm 
>with the body. (I took ballet when I was 
>small.) 

I would to see the pictures.
You were dashing, no doubt.

 I don't like frilly things with
>lots of ruffles, but lace is good.

I am the same way:  simple lace.
I have always enjoyed shopping
with my girl friend, where I give
her honest feedback, and we try
lots of different things on.  When
I had more money, I would pay a 
bundle, just to know that she would
be happy with everything we selected
together.  Those days are gone now,
however.  That was a time when I valued
my worth in dollars and cents.  It became
a way of life that crumbled when the
Lord tapped me on the shoulder, while
I was rolling in bucks at a major
investment bank in California. I was
still on my downward slide, because I was
still drinking, way too much for someone
with hypoglycemia.  I was "saved" by the
only AA meeting I ever attended, to get
a friend to go, where one member admitted,
in a long monologue, that alcohol makes
people go crazy.  I did not know that I was
crazy at the time, but I was crazy.  It was
all part of God's plan, because I now have
enough insight to connect all the dots --
IRS/BATF/Puerto Rico/Volstead Act/ etc.

 I 
>wear jeans and tight fitting tee shirts or 
>sweatshirts for casual wear. I wear long 
>skirts and sweaters for work. I hang around
>the house in sweatpants and sweatshirts or 
>shorts and tee shirts. I sleep in a short 
>belly button tee shirt or in the nude. I 
>have a full wardrobe of "teddies" in a drawer
>and a full box of business suits in the attic.

I am letting the pattern you
describe sink in slowly.
I do not understand why it
is that you do not have anyone
at the present time.  I am 
honored that you would show
me all this attention, but I
do feel very apprehensive that 
I, too, would disappoint you
terribly, particularly with 
my 30 extra pounts (210 v. 180).
I have become sedentary, because
I spend so much time at the terminal.
It would be great to get more exercise,
sunshine, and fresh air, and to know
that I am in safe surroundings.  I am
looking over my should more and more
as time goes by;  talking Monday with
a former policeman, about 357's. 
I really don't want to go down that
road, but everyone is urging me to 
do same.  You should know that there
have been over a dozen major threats
against my life, since I moved here.
So, it is good when I can sleep 
through the night, and dream of 
"teddies" within reach.  I have dearly,
if lately, come to appreciate such 
simple things as a gentle caress,
or an uninterrupted symphony.  Have
you ever started making love in 
mid-morning, and stayed with that
music all through the day, and 
into the night?  Now, that is the 
kind of concentration I want to 
develop, rather than decoding 
Title 26.  You should know that I 
have been praying for someone like
you, so you must realize that there
is a much greater Power at work here
than you and me alone.  Wouldn't it be neat
to find out that angels are assisting
us, every step of the way?  Do you
want to know something?  They ARE!


>
>What do you wear?

Usually nothing, or underwear 
and a T-shirt if I am cold.
I like to shower before bed,
and wear cologne, even if I 
am alone, which has been true
for a very long time now.
I want to go slow, with the
knowledge that the relationship
will develop into something
wonderful.

>
>You will find that I am
>>a rather direct person, so you should
>>not be afraid to say that you do not
>>like something.  Process of elimination
>>is very very effective, even though
>>it does take extra time.  We have lots
>>of time, Marcia:  you were conceived
>>into eternal life, you know.
>>
>I am, by nature, I believe, very direct also.
>I have found most people are taken aback by 
>this.

how wonderful ...

 Especially, in male/female relationships
>it can get real wierd, when you bang pots and pans 
>in the kitchen to indicate your mad, etc.)

Did you see "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels"?
Steve Martin has a scene where he is
this infantile adult locked in a big
playroom, and when Michael Caine arrives
with his next "victim", Ruprict must
bang on the drums for her.  It is 
hilarious.  


>   
>>>
>>>>Later, okay?
>>>>
>OK
>>>>/s/ Paul Mitchell
>>>
>>>Signing off till later to get down to 
>>>swabbing the home decks.
>>
>>I love it when everything 
>>is squeeky clean.  I am not
>>exactly meticulous about these
>>things, but I do enjoy a long
>>hot shower, after doing laundry,
>>sheets, towels, then a careful
>>shave, and everything takes 
>>on a completely different feel.
>>It's a little bit of heaven to
>>know that nothing is then off-limits
>>to the gentle touch of all hands.
>>
>Afraid you have a creative researcher on 
>this side. Piles of books and articles
>stacked.

That's not "dirt", however.
I am talking about accumulated dirt,
as was the case in Montana.  They
were downwind of a cattle feed lot,
and everything (books, papers, desks)
was covered with dried animal waste.
I got a horrific skin infection my
first week there, so I started to
clean everything, feverishly.  I was
scouring their bathrub every morning
for 3 days running, before it finally
came clean.  Everyone was incredulous:
you mean, this is the same bathroom?
Sheeesh!  Then, they stiffed me for
$10,000.  I am now on the war path
over such a large amount.  Didn't
you say you make $12,000 in a year?
So, you can relate.

 Do housework when it gets so 
>bad that I feel guilty.

I like to keep ahead of it,
so there is not so much to
do all at once.  It helps
to take shoes off, for example,
and keep the vacuum cleaner 
accessible.

  
>>>
>>>Mar
>><snip>
>>>>
>>>PS: Sorry about tardiness of response. My local server
>>>must be swamped. I keep getting a Cause "time out" on 
>>>Eusora and Netscape won't connect. I'll keep trying
>>>periodically.
>>>MHA
>>
>>I am still trying to find time to get
>>back to your previous email.  Will you
>>mind if I take some time later to go
>>through it carefully, and give you
>>feedback?  I will try to be as loving
>>and constructive as I can, with the
>>hopes of helping you see how you were
>>unnecessarily hard on yourself.  
>
>OK - Take your time. I know you
>will ccome back.
>
>Guess I was self anal-izing.

You are not anal.  Come on!
 
>
>>I am standing by.
>>
>>/s/ Paul Mitchell
>
>Mar
      


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