Time: Mon Nov 04 23:09:09 1996
To: "Marcia H. Armstrong" <siskfarm@snowcrest.net>
From: Paul Andrew Mitchell [address in tool bar]
Subject: Feeling Check
Cc: 
Bcc: 

Hi Marcia,

I can't tell you how much I have
looked forward to the chance to
sit down here, and give you my
fullest attention.  The past few
days have been so hectic, with
all that "stuff" you noticed in
my previous mail.  This will be
a chance to spend time together,
or "alone together," as Dave Mason's
old album was called.


At 01:47 PM 11/4/96 -0800, you wrote:
>At 11:22 PM 11/3/96 -0800, you wrote:
>>>Dear Paul:
>>
>>>Help ! I am feeling very
>>>uncomfortable with the mixture
>>>of your activist agenda with 
>>>our correspondence off LLAW. 
>>>
>(snipped for brevity)
>
>>I will, but you need to give
>>me some guidelines, because I do
>>not know you well enough to
>>appreciate *where* your "gut muscles"
>>are not set for the punch.
>>Fair enough?  I am a Warrior, Marcia,
>>and my "weapon" is my computer.  I am
>>fighting for the children, yours of
>>course, and everyone else's.
>
>(As you ask, I will give you some 
>examples as parameters when I am 
>on my home computer.) 

That will be good.  I am quite prepared
to admit that this political action I
am doing is a surrogate for any other
deep relationships which are now lacking
in my life.  When I find myself thinking
about you, I catch myself wondering if
Marcia does not already want the exact
same thing:  the glow of knowing that
someone else is standing by, loving and
caring, like a rock of Gibralter, come
what may.  I really do respect the old-
fashioned marriage vows, because they 
really to mean something very important
and deep.  Too many people recite them
as if they were a nursery rhyme, or 
a rote quotation from some novel.  For
better or for worse; in sickness and in
health;  and so on.  That is a very
important commitment, and challenge.
What you are feeling right now, as
you read this?

 
>
>>You need to ask yourself if you 
>>can get enough security from me
>>to maintain a close relationship.
>>That may be an ongoing problem,
>>both financial and emotional.
>
>On the personal level, I can say that
>there are times in our correspondence
>that I have received more "emotional"
>support than I have ever experienced 
>from anyone through talk in my entire 
>life. 
>
>It was as though you were this calm trusted
>internal voice guiding me safely through 
>exploration of my inner self and life.

I was trying to be that, so my
intentions were successful, evidently.
I feel good about that too, for you,
and for me.

>
>As for financial support; I have worked
>since I was 16 - full time since 23, with
>time-out only for babies and the gift of 
>two years given to me out of love by someone
>who was emotionally incapable of carrying such
>a load. I have been self-supportive and have 
>supported dependents, including my spouse. At
>times, I earned far more than my spouse. 
>
>I must admit that I am currently fighting
>from slipping into greater and greater poverty. 
>I do love my home, but may face the fact that
>I will have to sell it and downsize and, perhaps,
>downsize again over my life. It is a problem 
>I keep "turning over," but does not appear to 
>get fixed. (Which usually means it is not meant to.)

I am primarily concerned about my
ability to support myself.  After
several huge setbacks in the law
profession, I can only console myself
to think that these were successful
efforts to sabotage an otherwise
sound legal strategy, which was correct
and likely to prevail, with disastrous
results for the United States.  I would
not normally toot my own horn in such 
a fashion, but my knowledge of the
pertinent law in these situations has
been unassailable, on a level playing
field.  So, the field got tipped, and
all the pieces were flying off the board.

>
>I ask for no financial support from anyone. And
>I am unprepared to offer it to anyone but my 
>children - to the best of my resources.

On the salary you are now making,
that is all that you can do.
I can only ask that people someday
understand the sacrifice I have made
in my own life, to bring this knowledge
to the American People.  I have a unique
ability to understand, and then to 
describe in words, what is really happening.
The key which unlocks the whole situation
is "deception," a very good one at that.


>
>I must admit that in the back of my mind, I 
>would love a rich man to ride up on his 
>white charger and sweep my problems away. The
>kind that doesn't exact obligations as part 
>of the deal. The kind who just freely wants to
>take care of you because he wants to, not because
>he's expected to, or that its a pride-thing or
>that he wants to "own" you. 

There are men out there like that.
I wish I were one of them.  That may
change, but I can fully appreciate
how the adversary must do whatever
it can to scuttle these frontal and
collateral attacks;  I must be made
to appear as an improbable risk to
more and more potential clients.
They would like it very much if I 
were to just shut up.  I have been
told that many times.

I am raising this matter of security
early on, because I am worried that
you may need more of it from me than
I can provide to you at this point
in time, on several levels.  I know
that I can minimize discussion about
these "political" matters, and that
would probably do me a lot of good too.
But when it comes to finding a regular
satisfying job, that is something which
I just do not have at the present time.
The seminars offer lots of promise, but
again, they are on the upper end of the
risk scale, given the political climate
(storm?) surrounding them.  I think a
good compromise would be to start out
working a regular job, only part-time,
and then split the rest of my waking
hours between law, and close friends,
getting into their lives, spending time
listening to them, and understanding their
own situations, without coloring it with
my projections, or dominating with monologues
about my "achievements," such as they are.
Teaching would be a good outlet for me,
because I could satisfy so many cravings
within the same role.  I like to electrify
audiences;  it has been a dream of mine for
a long time.  But, I also long deeply for
a very private, and very passionate other,
who makes a lot of time available for me too,
in a mutual, close-knit dance which never
really ends but takes occasional breaks to
pick up exactly where it left off, a relationship
with an essential existence all of its own.
"Paul, won't you please take time to comb
my hair for me, and do it slowly as you listen
to each and every word I say, since I will 
then know that I can savor each and every word
I say, with plenty of time to pause and examine
each one, then the other, and then the other,
however long it takes."  In such an relation,
two souls can do a lot of growing in a very
short period of time, and a lot of pain can be
dissolved and sent hither.  As I said, you
are really spending the entire day together,
even tying each other's shoes, brushing aside
another's tear now and then, laughing at the falling
leaves and the birds diving through them,
in and amongst them, like a ballet of beauty
and color.  These moments are precious, because
they exist for themselves, and for nobody else,
like a school of brilliant coral fish which 
surround a diver, pretending to be swimming
in that direction, all the while they are 
organizing an artistic exhibition for this
human visitor, who is enveloped in brilliant
lights and shimmering colors, all on cue,
without any clue.  This is the Mind of the Maker,
and these experiences are usually soft and quiet 
ones, like a soft wind rustling the tree tops
and lowering leaves in a floating quilt of joy.


>
>About a year ago, I went to my parent's 50th
>Anniversary. The families gathered at Bend 
>Oregon, which is a yuppies resort. My sister 
>and her husband and two kids and me and mine and
>my parents were all in the same house. 

I am beginning to develop this
really strong desire to see 
your picture, a color one, if
possible, with you in your most
comfortable clothes, smiling
widely, with your own eyes
twinkling.

>
>There were wonderful boutiques, white water rafting, 
>bicycling, restaurants and all the other things I
>couldn't afford. My mother bought us new clothes and
>my parents paid for the house and some activities. 
>(I haven't purchased any new clothes since 1994 and
>they grow so fast.) I felt so bad, but knew it was 
>my pride and to accept gratefully and with humility.

That is so nice of you.  It could be
the smallest thing, a new button,
or a needle and thread, but the feeling
they convey is what really matters.
I got out of synch with my parents
far too young in life, and ended up
masquerading false feelings just to
get by.  I was very resentful of my
brother for refusing to speak with me
for so many years;  he did talk, but
he never invited me to do anything 
with him, or to go anywhere with him.
When he finally did so, on my 18th
birthday, I suspected something 
immediately, but I went along anyway.
It turned out, he was the point man
for a surprise party, which I had 
asked for.  So, I had to pretend to
be surprised when we came home to
a house full of my high school buddies.
I was a little surprised, but I did
remember having asked for a surprise
party, because no one in our family
ever had one.  There are some awful
skeletons in the closets of my parents'
home.  I hesitate even to mention them.
You sound as if you have a much better
relationship with your parents;  no rage
as far as I can tell.  I allowed my 
hurt to develop into rage, and now it
dwindles to a stalemate of sorts.
After I gave Dad a copy of my book,
he didn't even read it.  I was crushed.
What's it going to take, I kept asking
myself?  


>My kids reacted by rejecting some of the proffered
>expensive activities and going with me to 
>the park museum, the observatory, shooting baskets, 
>walking around and doing things that were cheap.
>
>It seems I always have to say no to them.
>They know this and make it easier on me. I am 
>so proud that my son has a weekend job at the age
>of 14 1/2, is responsible and mature and will be 
>able to take care of himself.

You say no about money, mostly,
but you say yes in lots of other ways,
am I right here?
 
>
>My daughter works two jobs while she goes to 
>college, but had to do so on scholarships and 
>grants and a bit of help from my folks.

There is no rush to completing college
in 4 years, other than peer pressure.
Five or six years is fine too;  college
students fail to appreciate the heavy
influence of peers, whose values are no better,
or better established;  actually, they are
more in flux than anything else.

>      
>>Because of vicious lies which 
>>have been circulated, namely,
>>that I am some kind of deep cover
>>operative, I have been stiffed big
>>time by almost every clients during the
>>past 8 months:  $10,000 from Elizabeth
>>Broderick;  $3,000 from Sheila Wallen;
>>$10,000 from The Freedom Center in
>>Billings;  $1,200 from a colleague;
>>$2,000 + many damages from New Life
>>Health Center Company (FBI lied there,
>>to scuttle my legal strategy, soon to
>>be published, if I can find an investor).  
>>If there is a pattern, it is that the
>>opposition must resort to sabotage,
>>which they know how to do very very well.
>>Just witness the results.  IRS absconded
>>with $4,000 from a bank account which 
>>was being used to deposit advance wholesale
>>payments for The Federal Zone (4 @ $1,000
>>to pay for 100 copies each, drop-shipped
>>from the factory).  We are very slowly
>>moving against the bank:  Wells Fargo 
>>in California, for deprivation of 
>>fundamental Rights under color of law.
>>U.S. v. O'Dell says the bank must be
>>presented with a warrant of distraint.
>
>I am sorry that this has happened to you.

I am too.  I could be on a train, headed
in your direction right now, without 
having to worry one bit about the next
rent payment, or other essentials.
I don't like living like this.  I need
to change it.  I don't want to lean or
depend on others to get by month-to-month.
I had to strike back about the lies, because
they were particularly vicious.  Please don't
feel that you ever need to lie to me;  it's
another thing to withhold things, but outright
lying is just not acceptable from people in 
my life.
 
>
>>Anyway, the Spirit is now informing me
>>that my steel is being tempered, because
>>I am right on target.  So, ask yourself
>>how much security you really need, and
>>then make an objective assessment as to
>>whether you could ever secure same from
>>me, given what you already know. 
>
>I need to remind *myself* that my only 
>security comes in my relationship with 
>God in Christ. As an alcoholic, I cannot 
>afford resentments or pride. (HALT -
>hunger; anger; loneliness; and tiredness
>are vulnerable conditions for me.)

Is it hunger for more than food?
Do you know what you are angry at?
You are doing something about your
loneliness right now, are you not?
Is tiredness a chronic, or acute,
condition for you?  
There is a difference,
you know!  Do you think you
might have a medical problem, 
like chronic fatigue?


 They are the 
>poisons of the soul. I must remind myself
>to remain in a place of humility in my 
>ego and in my expectations of myslef and 
>others in order to be capable of receiving
>grace, appreciative of the wonder of it and
>capable of giving love.

That is a tall order, indeed.
You could teach me a lot, just
by repeating those words over
and over, until they sink in,
deep to my core.


>
>>I owe it to my father to walk in his shadow.
>>Have I shared with you the essay entited,
>>"We Took That Mountain"?
>
>Yes, Paul, I have kept it.

Thanks.  It was a very powerful
experience, to write it the way
that I did.  I realized at the
time that I had given it a permanence
by doing so, a permanence that it
dearly deserved.  

Maybe I will be able to write about
you in that way, some day soon.
The key to writing is to feel it first,
then the words just pour out, from 
a place deep in your heart, only 
facilitated by the brain.  I can sense
a real shift when I must switch modes
into narrative or descriptive prose;
then, it's more like hopping from 
one scene to the next, or one facet
of a scene to another facet of the
same scene.  I know that words have
much power, because they were designed
to reach inner cores, not simply to
switch lights on and off, or binary
digits this way and that.  Words are
like paint to an empty canvass;  they
are universal in their impact, and in
their ability to share experiences
that would otherwise be inaccessible.
We are so fortunate to have at our
disposal one of the most powerful
languages ever spoken;  computer techology
has standardized it in ways that now allow
it to blossom in a myriad of unexpected
directions and possibilities.  I even like
to invent words, knowing that they begin
to exist the moment they are first written.
That is creativity, as its best.  That is
writing, too -- creating a lasting story
from nothing but raw imagination. 

How shall we meet, Marcia?
You know that it's inevitable now.
I have this deep feeling that
you already agree;  I am merely
describing the pulse of your
feelings outwards, like a 
radio transmitter reaching 
over great distances, in crystal
clear fidelity, to this sensitive
receiver.  

Good night.

/s/ Paul Mitchell


> 
>/s/ Paul Mitchell
>
>/s/ Paul Mitchell
>
>Marcia A. 
      


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