Time: Mon Nov 04 23:09:09 1996 To: "Marcia H. Armstrong" <siskfarm@snowcrest.net> From: Paul Andrew Mitchell [address in tool bar] Subject: Feeling Check Cc: Bcc: Hi Marcia, I can't tell you how much I have looked forward to the chance to sit down here, and give you my fullest attention. The past few days have been so hectic, with all that "stuff" you noticed in my previous mail. This will be a chance to spend time together, or "alone together," as Dave Mason's old album was called. At 01:47 PM 11/4/96 -0800, you wrote: >At 11:22 PM 11/3/96 -0800, you wrote: >>>Dear Paul: >> >>>Help ! I am feeling very >>>uncomfortable with the mixture >>>of your activist agenda with >>>our correspondence off LLAW. >>> >(snipped for brevity) > >>I will, but you need to give >>me some guidelines, because I do >>not know you well enough to >>appreciate *where* your "gut muscles" >>are not set for the punch. >>Fair enough? I am a Warrior, Marcia, >>and my "weapon" is my computer. I am >>fighting for the children, yours of >>course, and everyone else's. > >(As you ask, I will give you some >examples as parameters when I am >on my home computer.) That will be good. I am quite prepared to admit that this political action I am doing is a surrogate for any other deep relationships which are now lacking in my life. When I find myself thinking about you, I catch myself wondering if Marcia does not already want the exact same thing: the glow of knowing that someone else is standing by, loving and caring, like a rock of Gibralter, come what may. I really do respect the old- fashioned marriage vows, because they really to mean something very important and deep. Too many people recite them as if they were a nursery rhyme, or a rote quotation from some novel. For better or for worse; in sickness and in health; and so on. That is a very important commitment, and challenge. What you are feeling right now, as you read this? > >>You need to ask yourself if you >>can get enough security from me >>to maintain a close relationship. >>That may be an ongoing problem, >>both financial and emotional. > >On the personal level, I can say that >there are times in our correspondence >that I have received more "emotional" >support than I have ever experienced >from anyone through talk in my entire >life. > >It was as though you were this calm trusted >internal voice guiding me safely through >exploration of my inner self and life. I was trying to be that, so my intentions were successful, evidently. I feel good about that too, for you, and for me. > >As for financial support; I have worked >since I was 16 - full time since 23, with >time-out only for babies and the gift of >two years given to me out of love by someone >who was emotionally incapable of carrying such >a load. I have been self-supportive and have >supported dependents, including my spouse. At >times, I earned far more than my spouse. > >I must admit that I am currently fighting >from slipping into greater and greater poverty. >I do love my home, but may face the fact that >I will have to sell it and downsize and, perhaps, >downsize again over my life. It is a problem >I keep "turning over," but does not appear to >get fixed. (Which usually means it is not meant to.) I am primarily concerned about my ability to support myself. After several huge setbacks in the law profession, I can only console myself to think that these were successful efforts to sabotage an otherwise sound legal strategy, which was correct and likely to prevail, with disastrous results for the United States. I would not normally toot my own horn in such a fashion, but my knowledge of the pertinent law in these situations has been unassailable, on a level playing field. So, the field got tipped, and all the pieces were flying off the board. > >I ask for no financial support from anyone. And >I am unprepared to offer it to anyone but my >children - to the best of my resources. On the salary you are now making, that is all that you can do. I can only ask that people someday understand the sacrifice I have made in my own life, to bring this knowledge to the American People. I have a unique ability to understand, and then to describe in words, what is really happening. The key which unlocks the whole situation is "deception," a very good one at that. > >I must admit that in the back of my mind, I >would love a rich man to ride up on his >white charger and sweep my problems away. The >kind that doesn't exact obligations as part >of the deal. The kind who just freely wants to >take care of you because he wants to, not because >he's expected to, or that its a pride-thing or >that he wants to "own" you. There are men out there like that. I wish I were one of them. That may change, but I can fully appreciate how the adversary must do whatever it can to scuttle these frontal and collateral attacks; I must be made to appear as an improbable risk to more and more potential clients. They would like it very much if I were to just shut up. I have been told that many times. I am raising this matter of security early on, because I am worried that you may need more of it from me than I can provide to you at this point in time, on several levels. I know that I can minimize discussion about these "political" matters, and that would probably do me a lot of good too. But when it comes to finding a regular satisfying job, that is something which I just do not have at the present time. The seminars offer lots of promise, but again, they are on the upper end of the risk scale, given the political climate (storm?) surrounding them. I think a good compromise would be to start out working a regular job, only part-time, and then split the rest of my waking hours between law, and close friends, getting into their lives, spending time listening to them, and understanding their own situations, without coloring it with my projections, or dominating with monologues about my "achievements," such as they are. Teaching would be a good outlet for me, because I could satisfy so many cravings within the same role. I like to electrify audiences; it has been a dream of mine for a long time. But, I also long deeply for a very private, and very passionate other, who makes a lot of time available for me too, in a mutual, close-knit dance which never really ends but takes occasional breaks to pick up exactly where it left off, a relationship with an essential existence all of its own. "Paul, won't you please take time to comb my hair for me, and do it slowly as you listen to each and every word I say, since I will then know that I can savor each and every word I say, with plenty of time to pause and examine each one, then the other, and then the other, however long it takes." In such an relation, two souls can do a lot of growing in a very short period of time, and a lot of pain can be dissolved and sent hither. As I said, you are really spending the entire day together, even tying each other's shoes, brushing aside another's tear now and then, laughing at the falling leaves and the birds diving through them, in and amongst them, like a ballet of beauty and color. These moments are precious, because they exist for themselves, and for nobody else, like a school of brilliant coral fish which surround a diver, pretending to be swimming in that direction, all the while they are organizing an artistic exhibition for this human visitor, who is enveloped in brilliant lights and shimmering colors, all on cue, without any clue. This is the Mind of the Maker, and these experiences are usually soft and quiet ones, like a soft wind rustling the tree tops and lowering leaves in a floating quilt of joy. > >About a year ago, I went to my parent's 50th >Anniversary. The families gathered at Bend >Oregon, which is a yuppies resort. My sister >and her husband and two kids and me and mine and >my parents were all in the same house. I am beginning to develop this really strong desire to see your picture, a color one, if possible, with you in your most comfortable clothes, smiling widely, with your own eyes twinkling. > >There were wonderful boutiques, white water rafting, >bicycling, restaurants and all the other things I >couldn't afford. My mother bought us new clothes and >my parents paid for the house and some activities. >(I haven't purchased any new clothes since 1994 and >they grow so fast.) I felt so bad, but knew it was >my pride and to accept gratefully and with humility. That is so nice of you. It could be the smallest thing, a new button, or a needle and thread, but the feeling they convey is what really matters. I got out of synch with my parents far too young in life, and ended up masquerading false feelings just to get by. I was very resentful of my brother for refusing to speak with me for so many years; he did talk, but he never invited me to do anything with him, or to go anywhere with him. When he finally did so, on my 18th birthday, I suspected something immediately, but I went along anyway. It turned out, he was the point man for a surprise party, which I had asked for. So, I had to pretend to be surprised when we came home to a house full of my high school buddies. I was a little surprised, but I did remember having asked for a surprise party, because no one in our family ever had one. There are some awful skeletons in the closets of my parents' home. I hesitate even to mention them. You sound as if you have a much better relationship with your parents; no rage as far as I can tell. I allowed my hurt to develop into rage, and now it dwindles to a stalemate of sorts. After I gave Dad a copy of my book, he didn't even read it. I was crushed. What's it going to take, I kept asking myself? >My kids reacted by rejecting some of the proffered >expensive activities and going with me to >the park museum, the observatory, shooting baskets, >walking around and doing things that were cheap. > >It seems I always have to say no to them. >They know this and make it easier on me. I am >so proud that my son has a weekend job at the age >of 14 1/2, is responsible and mature and will be >able to take care of himself. You say no about money, mostly, but you say yes in lots of other ways, am I right here? > >My daughter works two jobs while she goes to >college, but had to do so on scholarships and >grants and a bit of help from my folks. There is no rush to completing college in 4 years, other than peer pressure. Five or six years is fine too; college students fail to appreciate the heavy influence of peers, whose values are no better, or better established; actually, they are more in flux than anything else. > >>Because of vicious lies which >>have been circulated, namely, >>that I am some kind of deep cover >>operative, I have been stiffed big >>time by almost every clients during the >>past 8 months: $10,000 from Elizabeth >>Broderick; $3,000 from Sheila Wallen; >>$10,000 from The Freedom Center in >>Billings; $1,200 from a colleague; >>$2,000 + many damages from New Life >>Health Center Company (FBI lied there, >>to scuttle my legal strategy, soon to >>be published, if I can find an investor). >>If there is a pattern, it is that the >>opposition must resort to sabotage, >>which they know how to do very very well. >>Just witness the results. IRS absconded >>with $4,000 from a bank account which >>was being used to deposit advance wholesale >>payments for The Federal Zone (4 @ $1,000 >>to pay for 100 copies each, drop-shipped >>from the factory). We are very slowly >>moving against the bank: Wells Fargo >>in California, for deprivation of >>fundamental Rights under color of law. >>U.S. v. O'Dell says the bank must be >>presented with a warrant of distraint. > >I am sorry that this has happened to you. I am too. I could be on a train, headed in your direction right now, without having to worry one bit about the next rent payment, or other essentials. I don't like living like this. I need to change it. I don't want to lean or depend on others to get by month-to-month. I had to strike back about the lies, because they were particularly vicious. Please don't feel that you ever need to lie to me; it's another thing to withhold things, but outright lying is just not acceptable from people in my life. > >>Anyway, the Spirit is now informing me >>that my steel is being tempered, because >>I am right on target. So, ask yourself >>how much security you really need, and >>then make an objective assessment as to >>whether you could ever secure same from >>me, given what you already know. > >I need to remind *myself* that my only >security comes in my relationship with >God in Christ. As an alcoholic, I cannot >afford resentments or pride. (HALT - >hunger; anger; loneliness; and tiredness >are vulnerable conditions for me.) Is it hunger for more than food? Do you know what you are angry at? You are doing something about your loneliness right now, are you not? Is tiredness a chronic, or acute, condition for you? There is a difference, you know! Do you think you might have a medical problem, like chronic fatigue? They are the >poisons of the soul. I must remind myself >to remain in a place of humility in my >ego and in my expectations of myslef and >others in order to be capable of receiving >grace, appreciative of the wonder of it and >capable of giving love. That is a tall order, indeed. You could teach me a lot, just by repeating those words over and over, until they sink in, deep to my core. > >>I owe it to my father to walk in his shadow. >>Have I shared with you the essay entited, >>"We Took That Mountain"? > >Yes, Paul, I have kept it. Thanks. It was a very powerful experience, to write it the way that I did. I realized at the time that I had given it a permanence by doing so, a permanence that it dearly deserved. Maybe I will be able to write about you in that way, some day soon. The key to writing is to feel it first, then the words just pour out, from a place deep in your heart, only facilitated by the brain. I can sense a real shift when I must switch modes into narrative or descriptive prose; then, it's more like hopping from one scene to the next, or one facet of a scene to another facet of the same scene. I know that words have much power, because they were designed to reach inner cores, not simply to switch lights on and off, or binary digits this way and that. Words are like paint to an empty canvass; they are universal in their impact, and in their ability to share experiences that would otherwise be inaccessible. We are so fortunate to have at our disposal one of the most powerful languages ever spoken; computer techology has standardized it in ways that now allow it to blossom in a myriad of unexpected directions and possibilities. I even like to invent words, knowing that they begin to exist the moment they are first written. That is creativity, as its best. That is writing, too -- creating a lasting story from nothing but raw imagination. How shall we meet, Marcia? You know that it's inevitable now. I have this deep feeling that you already agree; I am merely describing the pulse of your feelings outwards, like a radio transmitter reaching over great distances, in crystal clear fidelity, to this sensitive receiver. Good night. /s/ Paul Mitchell > >/s/ Paul Mitchell > >/s/ Paul Mitchell > >Marcia A.
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